Recently, I’ve been wondering a lot about my purpose in the space that I work. It feels like everyday brings a new challenge, a new worry and a new reason for me to quit.
The past few weeks, I’ve felt overworked and under appreciated in almost every aspect of this job. If I’m being honest, it’s really the last few months. I’ll walk in and try to complete a task and it’s like there’s a mental block preventing me from moving past step one.
I kept asking God to show me my next step. I kept asking Him to show me a way out, to give me patience and wisdom to be able to recognize when He was telling me to get out. I would pray, “God, If you’re listening, I don’t know how long I can do this for.”
And recently, I created a resume and a whole cover letter and updated my LinkedIn profile. I even applied to a few jobs that would be in my skill set; the skill set that I cultivated while working at my current job. I looked at the requirements of some of the jobs and wouldn’t you know that most of the stipulations had something to do with my current job. I tried to imagine what it would be like to work there and what my responsibilities would entail and all that kept coming to mind was that my current job is probably the lesser of two evils because I would have no idea what starting over is like.
I would have no idea what a business professional environment would be like; I work in fast food.
I have no idea what working in a small team would be like; I manage 100 people.
I have no idea what being the last decision-maker would be like; I have supervisors.
I was trying to step into something that wasn’t even cloudy, it was downright dark over there.
So I prayed again, because I knew that applying to jobs wasn’t a part of God’s plan for me right now. I knew there was a purpose for me in the place that I’m currently in, otherwise God would’ve never put me in this position. He would’ve never given me a position I couldn’t handle without Him.
So I tuned into countless sermons on whatever I could find. I started to get more into my daily devotional. I started to wake up with a prayer and actively attempt to remember to pray while at work. I bought a book, Relationship Goals by Pastor Michael Todd in hopes of repairing whatever unrecognized and broken relationships made me get to this point of feeling unworthy all the time.
And this is how I know that this is just a season of brokenness to make me stronger for whatever He has planned for me:
I thought that my purpose might be to inspire; Girl, you have a whole blog that you can use for ANYTHING.
I thought my purpose would be to share His love in unconventional places, like my job; Somebody where I work is going through heartbreak right now and chose ME to come to (and I’m reading a book called Relationship Goals; coincidence? I think not).
I thought my purpose would be to make other young, struggling women feel normal and know that someone else goes through what they think is a unique situation; I have an Instagram I’m using to document my very slow journey into makeup artistry.
I thought my purpose would be to be a light in a dark place. We unfortunately had a death in our work family and I have to be one of the people who tells employees that somebody they knew is no longer alive. I have to be strong for them. And the only way I can do that is to renew my strength daily with God. I don’t even know how to deal with emotional situations. I just cry out of anger and frustration and push things down, but God is using this tragic period to bring something out of me that I can’t quite identify yet.
And then, this morning came.
I had a whole new day that hundreds of people didn’t get to witness because of death or dire circumstances.
And I started watching church online (after I was already having a praise session in my bedroom).
“When your heart is breaking, that is when God dwells in your life. It takes faith to stay.”
Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church said that we can’t control the first storm in life. These are the things that happen to you or for you depending on how you look at it. These are things like: depression, job loss, loneliness, stress at work, strain in your relationships, being unsuccessful at anything you think you’re good at, feeling lost and a feeling like you lack purpose in life. All of these are for me.
The second storms are the ones you cause yourself by making decisions without God in it. These are things like: that relationship that lasted almost 4 years and ended anyways because he wasn’t a Christian. You thought you could change him and you weren’t planning on moving forward until he came to God, but you stayed anyway so you could feel loved and desired and attractive because you can’t see that through your own eyes, you can only see it through a man’s eyes. And the negative self-image that goes along with that. That’s me. And that’s just one storm of many.
I say all this to say: don’t make decisions out of frustration and because where you are in life doesn’t look like what you thought it would. Don’t be hasty in trying to ‘correct’ what you think is wrong in your life. Sometimes, the storm you’re in is God trying to bring something out of you that you can take into the next storm. Because what do storms eventually do? They die down and pass. And then what eventually happens? Another starts again. And what you learned from the first one, is what you should be taking into the next.
It takes faith to stay faithful. It takes faith to stay in a situation when social media and your friends tell you, “if you don’t like it move on.” There’s plenty of jobs, plenty of men, plenty of opportunity in the sea, yes. But they’re not all for you.
God has a specific design for your life and even though you can’t see it or understand it right now, everything is working in your favor and for His glory.